Halfway through 6 weeks in Wakefield.
What is in a place? Does a place make you or do you make the place?
Moving out from where you have been for such a long time (12 years in London) does that undo you? Do you lose your sense of self when you lose all your routines and references? No turning back, no going back. No regaining the old job, retaking the old flat. All is new and all needs to be re-created. Finding the ground under your feet? I don’t think I am levitating, I think I am sinking. My feet have gone past the ground a while back. Knee deep.
Funny thing is I don’t long for the old life. I don’t miss London and very much do not want to be there.
I am actually floating. Knee deep. waters rising. I can let go and float in the current just for a little bit, calmness enveloping all my senses. Oh, wait, this is what I long for, not my reality.
I feel quite lost at the moment. Turns out that my thyroid has gone wild on me (I think as a result of the ongoing throat infection plus my old friend, Mr. Anxiety, who has been quite persistent in seating with me these last few weeks). Hyperthyroidism. Started meds yesterday. The all resistant, anti-meds person now hooked on a daily dose of carbimazole until the hormones go back to their regular level. Plus ongoing paracetamol for some 3 weeks now, just a little bit before bed so the neck pain does not wake me up.
Oh well, Mr. A sticks around and likes the ride, clearly fond of my company. Anyway, an uninvited guest to my party, better buckle up and hold tight as the ride just became bumpier! We are getting acquainted and learning to live with each other, so things should get easier as we get along…
Hopefully all the other issues will subside as we learn to enjoy each other’s company and make the most of our quirky ways?! Auto-immune? Exhaustion? Esophagitis? Acid-reflux? Now, those can go.
Settle down quiet, come for a tea now and then, but be a little bit quieter, Mr. A. Give me some room, it can’t all be about you, right?
It’s quite funny how Mr A. manifests itself. I mostly feel cool and collected, emotionally, whilst my body is going through somersaults and fireworks. A bit frazzled at times but definitely not quite as impacted as the rest of me. So, who is the I I refer to, and what is the rest of me? Discussion for another time…
The sacred trinity: mind, body, soul.
But my being lost actually comes from not having a job, not having a kitchen, not having a space that is mine to do as I want, to create, experiment, work in. I feel lost because we are here for Nick – and I come along on the ride, and I work with him, for him. But there’s not me in it as such? What do I want? What do I want to do with my life? What are my goals? What do I wish to achieve? At a personal level, not at the We level. What makes me tick? He’s got enough drive to drag us around the marry-go-round a hundred times, but at some point I want to go on my own ride as well?
Space, time. Space, time.
Read, write, think, nourish (body and mind, mine, others), discuss, collaborate, join heads and hearts and spit out amazing things to marvel all around.